My True Self

My resolution for 2014 is to let go of my façade. I’ve hidden behind a mask for many years and it’s time to come out and be my true self. So, with that: I am gay.

I’ve known I was gay since I was seven years old. All the boys at school had crushes on girls. However, I had a crush on a boy. I always wondered why I felt that way— so different from the other boys. When I saw that I was different, I hid it from the world because I was scared. I didn’t want anyone to find out my big secret because I thought I would lose everything I had— my friends, my family, my happiness.

In fourth grade many classmates started to call me a queer, fag, and gay. The bullying continued through sixth grade. By that point, the years of degradation had worn me down. I devised plans to end my life. I was eleven years old and I wanted my life to end because I thought no one could ever love me for who I was. Luckily, my mother found my journal that I had written some of my suicidal thoughts in (I didn’t write about being gay—just how depressed I was at the time). After seeing my parent’s reaction about my depression, I held onto that love for a few more years to get me through.

Suppressing my feelings was easier in elementary. Once puberty started, the attraction increased and started causing many problems in me. My anxiety increased and started to take hold of my life. I was desperate to ensure that my secret wouldn’t ‘come out’. I felt as though I had to excel at everything. If I kept the attention somewhere else, people wouldn’t notice that I was struggling with my identity. I felt like through other means, I could hide it from the world.

So, like many other gay people, I turned to religion for help. I prayed daily for God to take away my struggles. I fasted, went to church, read the scriptures. I always tried to be better and do more. I felt like if I did those things, God would see my efforts and change me to ‘normal’. After years of struggle, I decided to go on a mission because I felt like God would help me change if I was doing His work. That, however, didn’t work and my anxiety over my big secret took control. How could I teach that homosexuality was wrong when I felt those things myself? I fell into depression and had severe anxiety because I felt like I was being a hypocrite. With that depression came feelings that God didn’t love me because of who I was. Eventually, I became suicidal and had to come home from my mission. Many people think that suicidal thoughts are selfish. While I can agree to some point, this was absolutely not the case for me. When thoughts of suicide crept into my brain, my reasoning was that I would be making everyone else’s lives better if my problem could die with me. I did not want to put my family through the repercussions that exist, in society and in the LDS church when their child comes out. I was thinking of my family—because this is hard for them too. I didn’t want them to have to endure through the trials as well.

After coming home from the mission, I went to a counselor and he told me to suppress my feelings—ignore them. He told me that I could change and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I finally started school again and transferred back to USU. When I got there, I went to a counselor at the USU Counseling Center. This counselor asked me what I wanted. She asked me who I thought I really was - what I saw in my future. I finally thought about it for myself. I was finally guiding my own path and figuring out who I really was. I stopped letting other people tell me who to be. Even still, in the spring of 2010, I was in a very dark place with God, religion, and life in general trying to figure out who I was supposed to be. There were a couple of times that I pulled everything out of my closet and sat in the dark corner and cried for hours. I was on the verge of suicide and devised plans. During these breakdowns, my mind would race all over the place. ‘Think about how much you will miss your family and friends’ is a thought that continually crossed my mind. Even though I didn’t want to put them through all my struggles, I didn’t want to lose them either. It was a continual back and forth battle to figure out what path I was supposed to take.

Luckily, I had some amazing support from friends who pulled me through and literally saved my life. One night I came out of the closet (pun intended) and called my friend Kayla. She just sat there and listened to me. She didn’t push me any direction. She just loved me. Told me I would be okay. And that’s exactly what I needed. I needed people to tell me that they loved me, I would be okay, and they would love me no matter what. 

A few months after coming out to my mother, I knew it was time to tell my brother. Very few people knew (well, knew for fact) about my orientation. I was so afraid that my brother wasn’t going to accept me. As I was expressing fear to my mom one night, we both broke down and cried together. It wasn’t just fear for me, though. I now understood the dark thoughts that many people went through in this same situation. And like me, they didn’t know if their family would embrace them or leave them out in the cold. Even though I had a hunch my brother would be fine with it, the fear was still there. And my brother was fine with it—he gave me a hug and said he loved me.

Finally, after years of personal and emotional battles, I came to accept that I was gay after 22 years. Through my acceptance, I came to find that God loved me unconditionally. Since I have come to accept myself and to be truly honest with myself, I have never felt more loved by God. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. So, what about the LDS faith? Over the past months I’ve come to realize that the LDS religion isn’t for me because it lays out expectations that I will never be able to reach. I have parted from the church but hold no negative feelings towards it. I believe the church teaches many great things, but does not allow me to be who I am in the life I want to live. I fully respect everyone for his or her religion if it helps him or her to be happy. That’s what matters. I'm not going to ask anyone to leave his or her church because I don’t believe in or practice it. So, I too ask your respect in my parting from the church.

It took many years for me to accept and understand myself. I understand that it may take some time for you to understand as well. I hope that one day you can see me as I finally see myself. Happy. Whole. Proud of who I am and grateful for a loving God who made me this way. I’m grateful for the journey and for those who have supported me and have been with me through it: For my mother who pulled me from the depths of depression when I was so little. Whose love carried me through those rotten years and continues to do so. She is my number one advocate and she and Barry are so supportive to me. I’m so grateful for her love, her patience and even her humor through all of this (ask me about the Easter basket story…) For Kayla who was the first one I told many years ago. She said she loved me and nothing would change. Through the years, she has been there for me through my darkest moments and helped me to see that light still existed. Her friendship will always be very dear to me. Krystin (Mama Bird): She was my rock in Logan and helped guide me through so much. Words cannot express how thankful I am for her continual love and guidance. Jenn and Chris: Before I started the 2011-2012 school year, Chris and Jenn offered an extra room in their place for me to live. I was hesitant at first, but something told me I needed to move in with them. After a few months living with them, I came out to Jenn. She was so happy that I finally came out to her and supported me 100%. She said, “Chris and I wanted you to move in so you would have a safe environment to figure out who you are.” I was blown away by their acceptance and giving hearts. Nigil: I was afraid to come out to a friend that was heterosexual and of the same gender. Nigil, however, proved once again to be one of the best guys I have ever met. He assured me it wasn’t an issue and said, “Gay, straight, whatever you are—you’re still my best friend and nothing changes.”

Even though I’ve lost faith in humanity after hearing many degrading, belittling things, my hope in humanity is held strong by the family and friends that surround me. There are many others that have brought so much light into my life.  Please know I love you and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

One love.

Tyson

Here are some links that may help if you’re struggling with this situation:

Just Because He Breathes

I Can't Say Love the Sinner Hate the Sin Anymore

Bridegroom

The Ally Within (TED Talk)

Everyone’s a Biblical Literalist Until You Bring Up Gluttony

A 4-Year-Old Girl Asked A Lesbian If She's A Boy.