My
resolution for 2014 is to let go of my façade. I’ve hidden behind a mask for
many years and it’s time to come out and be my true self. So, with that: I am
gay.
I’ve
known I was gay since I was seven years old. All the boys at school had crushes
on girls. However, I had a crush on a boy. I always wondered why I felt that
way— so different from the other boys. When I saw that I was different, I hid
it from the world because I was scared. I didn’t want anyone to find out my big
secret because I thought I would lose everything I had— my friends, my family,
my happiness.
In
fourth grade many classmates started to call me a queer, fag, and gay. The
bullying continued through sixth grade. By that point, the years of degradation
had worn me down. I devised plans to end my life. I was eleven years old and I
wanted my life to end because I thought no one could ever love me for who I
was. Luckily, my mother found my journal that I had written some of my suicidal
thoughts in (I didn’t write about being gay—just how depressed I was at the
time). After seeing my parent’s reaction about my depression, I held onto that
love for a few more years to get me through.
Suppressing
my feelings was easier in elementary. Once puberty started, the attraction
increased and started causing many problems in me. My anxiety increased and
started to take hold of my life. I was desperate to ensure that my secret
wouldn’t ‘come out’. I felt as though I had to excel at everything. If I kept
the attention somewhere else, people wouldn’t notice that I was struggling with
my identity. I felt like through other means, I could hide it from the world.
So, like
many other gay people, I turned to religion for help. I prayed daily for God to
take away my struggles. I fasted, went to church, read the scriptures. I always
tried to be better and do more. I felt like if I did those things, God would
see my efforts and change me to ‘normal’. After years of struggle, I decided to
go on a mission because I felt like God would help me change if I was doing His
work. That, however, didn’t work and my anxiety over my big secret took
control. How could I teach that homosexuality was wrong when I felt those
things myself? I fell into depression and had severe anxiety because I felt
like I was being a hypocrite. With that depression came feelings that God
didn’t love me because of who I was. Eventually, I became suicidal and had to
come home from my mission. Many people think that suicidal thoughts are
selfish. While I can agree to some point, this was absolutely not the case for
me. When thoughts of suicide crept into my brain, my reasoning was that I would
be making everyone else’s lives better if my problem could die with me. I did
not want to put my family through the repercussions that exist, in society and
in the LDS church when their child comes out. I was thinking of my
family—because this is hard for them too. I didn’t want them to have to endure
through the trials as well.
After
coming home from the mission, I went to a counselor and he told me to suppress
my feelings—ignore them. He told me that I could change and that I wasn’t
trying hard enough. I finally started school again and transferred back to USU.
When I got there, I went to a counselor at the USU Counseling Center. This
counselor asked me what I wanted. She asked me who I thought I really was -
what I saw in my future. I finally thought about it for myself. I was finally
guiding my own path and figuring out who I really was. I stopped letting other
people tell me who to be. Even still, in the spring of 2010, I was in a very
dark place with God, religion, and life in general trying to figure out who I
was supposed to be. There were a couple of times that I pulled everything out
of my closet and sat in the dark corner and cried for hours. I was on the verge
of suicide and devised plans. During these breakdowns, my mind would race all
over the place. ‘Think about how much you will miss your family and friends’ is
a thought that continually crossed my mind. Even though I didn’t want to put
them through all my struggles, I didn’t want to lose them either. It was a
continual back and forth battle to figure out what path I was supposed to take.
Luckily,
I had some amazing support from friends who pulled me through and literally
saved my life. One night I came out of the closet (pun intended) and called my
friend Kayla. She just sat there and listened to me. She didn’t push me any
direction. She just loved me. Told me I would be okay. And that’s exactly what
I needed. I needed people to tell me that they loved me, I would be okay, and
they would love me no matter what.
A few
months after coming out to my mother, I knew it was time to tell my brother.
Very few people knew (well, knew for fact) about my orientation. I was so
afraid that my brother wasn’t going to accept me. As I was expressing fear to
my mom one night, we both broke down and cried together. It wasn’t just fear
for me, though. I now understood the dark thoughts that many people went
through in this same situation. And like me, they didn’t know if their family
would embrace them or leave them out in the cold. Even though I had a hunch my
brother would be fine with it, the fear was still there. And my brother was
fine with it—he gave me a hug and said he loved me.
Finally,
after years of personal and emotional battles, I came to accept that I was gay
after 22 years. Through my acceptance, I came to find that God loved me
unconditionally. Since I have come to accept myself and to be truly honest with
myself, I have never felt more loved by God. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
So, what about the LDS faith? Over the past months I’ve come to realize that
the LDS religion isn’t for me because it lays out expectations that I will
never be able to reach. I have parted from the church but hold no negative
feelings towards it. I believe the church teaches many great things, but does
not allow me to be who I am in the life I want to live. I fully respect everyone
for his or her religion if it helps him or her to be happy. That’s what
matters. I'm not going to ask anyone to leave his or her church because I don’t
believe in or practice it. So, I too ask your respect in my parting from the
church.
It took
many years for me to accept and understand myself. I understand that it may
take some time for you to understand as well. I hope that one day you can see
me as I finally see myself. Happy. Whole. Proud of who I am and grateful for a
loving God who made me this way. I’m grateful for the journey and for those who
have supported me and have been with me through it: For my mother who pulled me
from the depths of depression when I was so little. Whose love carried me
through those rotten years and continues to do so. She is my number one
advocate and she and Barry are so supportive to me. I’m so grateful for her
love, her patience and even her humor through all of this (ask me about the
Easter basket story…) For Kayla who was the first one I told many years ago.
She said she loved me and nothing would change. Through the years, she has been
there for me through my darkest moments and helped me to see that light still
existed. Her friendship will always be very dear to me. Krystin (Mama Bird):
She was my rock in Logan and helped guide me through so much. Words cannot
express how thankful I am for her continual love and guidance. Jenn and Chris:
Before I started the 2011-2012 school year, Chris and Jenn offered an extra
room in their place for me to live. I was hesitant at first, but something told
me I needed to move in with them. After a few months living with them, I came
out to Jenn. She was so happy that I finally came out to her and supported me
100%. She said, “Chris and I wanted you to move in so you would have a safe
environment to figure out who you are.” I was blown away by their acceptance
and giving hearts. Nigil: I was afraid to come out to a friend that was
heterosexual and of the same gender. Nigil, however, proved once again to be
one of the best guys I have ever met. He assured me it wasn’t an issue and
said, “Gay, straight, whatever you are—you’re still my best friend and nothing
changes.”
Even
though I’ve lost faith in humanity after hearing many degrading, belittling
things, my hope in humanity is held strong by the family and friends that
surround me. There are many others that have brought so much light into my
life. Please know I love you and I appreciate
everything you’ve done for me.
One
love.
Tyson
Here are some links that may help if you’re
struggling with this situation:
